A Spiritual Awakening
Art by Megan Smith @repealhyde
I know a lot of spiritual people. I am happy for them that they have found a path that enriches their lives in such a profound way. But I have never felt that they are my people. I have been a devout agnostic for the past 16 years. I was so committed to my secular path that all of my 20s I was on the Board of Directors of Boston Workers Circle, an avowedly secular, progressive Jewish community in Boston, MA, USA. I was even the first Jew of color to lead the organization when I served as President from 2014-2016. I met two of my best friends through that community and we jokingly call ourselves the ‘secular block’ whenever we attend more spiritual events in the wider Jewish community together.
And yet, here I am. Embarking on a new path towards something greater than myself during this time of global pandemic. I worked at a restaurant here on Centre Street in Jamaica Plain (a neighborhood of Boston.) It was perfect because we only provided dinner service so I could spend my day writing, going to the mikveh and engaging in other projects since I didn’t have to be at work until 4 PM. Due to COVID-19, my restaurant shut down on March 14, 2020. I now find myself relying on unemployment as my only source of income, but I am not discouraged. I am trying to lean into faith that all will be well. That the universe will arrange it so that I am provided with what I need.
It is a strange place to be. I am the daughter of a mother who was born during La Violencia, the Colombian civil war so bloody it was simply called ‘The Violence,’ and a father who survived the Holocaust as a 25 year old in 1939. They were incredibly traumatized people who turned to alcohol and their children as their coping mechanisms. I was brought up to care only for them and to be on constant alert for the next catastrophe. My parents never talked to me about the Creator or the God of the Jewish people. This is odd to me now since I know that if something matters to a parent, they will talk to their kids about it. A lot. I think that going to synagogue and talking about the Bible were ways for them to have community but ultimately had nothing to do with faith. My mother was cut off from her native tribe, land, and traditions. She was raised without them. My father didn’t have faith in anything after the war. How do I know? Because I remember what he did tell me. I know it in my bones. We were all killed in the Holocaust and God died with us.
When I was a 17 year old I met a secular grad student who I dated for almost 5 years. He used to talk to me about the crucial differences between atheists and agnostics. About how it was braver, saner, and more rational to look into the void head on with science by your side to back you up instead of some being in the sky who didn’t exist. He made it sound like we were the enlightened and courageous ones. This dovetailed nicely with my parent’s nihilist perspective on the world and how completely devoid of spirituality they were. Against this backdrop, my ex’s words were like freedom to a trapped and wounded animal. It also served him really well. I adored him and made him into my God instead. Being loved by him was like being in a spotlight on stage. It felt amazing while the light was on me, but it was very cold and lonely in the dark. Of course, he was in charge of the switch, free to turn it off and on whenever it suited him. My job was to wait around and be ready for the next act.
In the past year and a half, I have been on a path of spiritual awakening without knowing that this is where it would lead. Like many straight female paths to self empowerment, it started with my leaving a man. We were married for 10 years and it wasn’t working. I was constantly taking care of him and putting his needs above my own. I was in serious denial about how much I was neglecting myself spiritually, emotionally, and physically. After the separation I had to ask myself what do I really want as a woman? What is my purpose in this life? I joined some spiritual programs that emphasized a connection with something greater than myself. I hope this blog will be a nerdy and helpful reflection of my journey, and not some navel gazing bs. Keep reading and you can decide lol.